I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
