We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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