apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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