I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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