My liver just broke up with me...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
