It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
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my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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