If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Houston, we have a squirter
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
