Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
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i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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