fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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