I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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