Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
