I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
