I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
