I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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