When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
