Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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