Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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