I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
