you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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