my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
