I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize