I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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