ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
