So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
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I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
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The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So here I am, sexting at work.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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