last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He kissed a someone with a penis
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
