somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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