take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
