Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
