Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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