I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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