My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
