gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
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I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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