Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
FUCK WHALES
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
