her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
