I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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