You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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