I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
