Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
