i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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