Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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