i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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