Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
