thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
