last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
