apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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