Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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