Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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