i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
