No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
