In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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