shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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