Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
