Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
