My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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