I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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