I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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